Not as happy as he seems
by Musou.K
Summary: Jason stackhouse is not as happy as he always acts like he is. His charming smile and goofiness hides a much darker and depressing secret. How is he gonna get the help he needs before he's too far gone? TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM,DEPRESSION,SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, AND EATING DISORDER AND POSSIBLE RAPE OR SEXUAL ABUSE DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED EASILY. No ownership of this show.
1. Secrets

I look as sookie [My younger sister] leaves again too be with her vampire guys Eric Northman and bill Compton. I feel the familiar pain in my chest. We were suppose to talk. I was finally gonna tell her. Tell her about everything the cutting, the depression, the attempted suicide, the bad thoughts in my head. I was going to tell her everything and she left. No even remembering I was there. I look at the plate of grease and fat in front of me. My stomach growls in hunger. I want it but I remind myself that ill never be loved if I stay this fat. I instead get up and head to the bar to drink away my pain. After I drink a lot more than I thought I would I start to feel the familiar itch. I know what it means. I stand and head out to my car smiling the whole way knowing my relief is coming soon. The drive home feels so long but I finally make it. I step out of my truck and feel the weakness in my legs. I stumble my way inside. I head to my room to grab a pair of sleep clothes and a my new razor I keep hiding under the lamp by my bed. I walk to the bathroom and shut and lock the door. I step in front of the large mirror and undress slowly. I stare at the bones sticking out and the cuts covering my body. I run my fingers along the deepest cut I've ever done. Its at the top part of my arm. I had cut to the bone hoping to finally end it. Instead I woke up in my bed the next morning. The cut stitched up and bandaged. I felt the pain for a very long time because I cut through nerves and all the pain killers I had were just Tylenol and ibuprofen. I force myself out of my memories and finish undressing. I step into the shower and turn the water on full heat. I sit at the bottom of the tub feeling the water burn my more recent cuts. I let my eyes wander over to the razor at the side of the tub. I will myself to pick it up. I set the sharp edge against my thigh. I repeat my mantra Push down pull back over and over again. When I finally stop I made Eight new cuts. I watch the blood bead up and watch as the water pulls it away. I cant tell if I'm crying or if its just the shower water. I watch the blood swirl around the drain and disappear with this confusing fascination. all I can think is this wouldn't have happened again if I could have told her. 


	2. Mistake

I wake the morning after laying in bed. I don't even remember leaving the shower. I sit up only to lay back down at the wave of dizziness that overcomes me. I know I need to get up and go to work but my depression decided it was not gonna happen today. I reach for my phone that sits on the bedside table and call my boss. I close the phone after making a weak excuse that I was sick and wouldn't be able to come to work. I sit back sadly and close my eyes.  
I wake quite a bit later I can see the sun is setting again. I force myself out of bed. As I walk to the stairs I know it will be difficult to go down them. I grip the banister till my knuckles are white. As I make my slow decent down the stairs I start to hear faint voices. I see that the light is on in the kitchen. I cant seem to recognize the voices. Most likely because of how foggy my head is. I finally reach the end of the stairs I take a quick breather before heading towards the kitchen. My hand continuing to run against any surface near by for balance. I reach the entrance to the kitchen and feel the pain in my chest grow.  
My sister sookie is sitting at the table her back is to me. What caused the pain in my chest is the site of the two vampires that are standing close by. I wont say that I hate them. I just hate what they took from me. I was the one that was suppose to protect sookie but instead all I am to her is some weak human who is just there. Eric and bill took what I was suppose to do and threw me out like trash. I force myself to step into the kitchen and make myself known. It takes me a very minimal and blessed second to realize I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt so she wont see the scars. I am forced out of my thoughts by a hand slapping me.  
I step back in shock only realizing with horror seconds later that sookie was the one that slapped me. After I compose myself I put my act stupid face on and pretend I don't understand anything. Sookie screams at me that I betrayed her and I lied to her. At this point I don't have to act stupid I really don't know what I did this time. Of course I don't get an explanation I just get slapped again and hateful glares from the two vamps that were watching the whole scene play out.  
I try and ask sookie what I did but she just yells. I sit back and try and put up my walls so that she cant see how much her words are hurting me. The things she says are starting to put cracks in my wall. I collapse as she starts saying she hates me and that don't deserve to live and then lt hits me as she says " You have something missing and I'm not gonna watch as you ruin your life"  
I feel that immediate crushing pain. I cant believe she said it. So many people have said it. That means it must be true. I fucking snap and I scream at her to get the fuck out of my house. When she doesn't move I snatch her by the arm and drag her to the door. I slam it open and literally throw her out. Her two vamp guys grab her before she hits the ground. I scream loudly that I know somethings missing and I don't need her to tell me. I slam the door with all my strength not even flinching at the crack that goes through the door. I lock the door and run to the bathroom. I slam open the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle of ibuprofen. I run back downstairs and grab a bottle of vodka from the fridge. I walk to the living room and sit on the couch. I set the bottle of pills on the table next to the vodka. I cant think I open the vodka and pills opening both. I take handful after handful with the vodka to wash it down. I stand and angrily pace around the table slamming my fist through the wall at random times.  
After I start to feel the foggy feeling that the pills bring I sit on the couch and cry. I know that I fucked up and that I might actually die. All my rational thoughts are telling me to call an ambulance or puke the pills up but I don't listen. I lay down on the couch feeling the exhausting taking hold. I cry and cry but for some reason I don't want to sleep yet. I use the last of my strength to walk to the TV stand and grab the picture frame off of it. I walk back to the couch and stare at the picture. It off me and sookie when we were kids. Gran is I the picture to. Were standing outside in a big field. I wish I could go back to that. The time that I was happy and when me and sookie were not just brother and sister but friends. I want to go back before all this bull shit started. I lay my head against the pillow crying over the past and the future that I just gave up on. As I feel myself slipping into unconscious I whisper a silent goodbye to my sister wishing it didn't have to end like this. 


End file.
